


Melodies and Memories Revisited

by koreanfriedchicken



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Heartache, Heartbreak, Piano, Reunions, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 12:14:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18249623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koreanfriedchicken/pseuds/koreanfriedchicken
Summary: "He shouldn't have seen her play piano in the mornings with his shirt on, then see her looking back and up at him with that enamoring smile of hers as he’d embrace her from behind. He wasn’t supposed to murmur words of affection into her hair as he held her, nor whisper in her ear to come back to bed, nor to ravage and consume her the way he did. He shouldn't have let it come that far, but he did."She, a pianist, and Erwin Smith are former lovers. After his promotion to the rank of Commander, they stopped seeing each other. However, years later Erwin finds himself drawn back to her.If you like a sentimental ride, then hop on this one with me!*Note: not a slow-burn. We jump right in the middle, but do discover their past little by little :)





	Melodies and Memories Revisited

**Author's Note:**

  * For [salmonbutter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salmonbutter/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we find our pair both struggling, revisiting memories of their past relationship. What is beautiful sometimes hurts a lot too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write an Erwin/Reader love story, but I'm not a big fan of the "you"-format. Instead, I wrote this in 3rd perspective, though didn't give the female character a name, so that she is interchangeable for the reader, if that makes sense.
> 
> THERE AREN'T ENOUGH ERWIN FICS.
> 
> Also, it's so difficult somehow to write an in-character Erwin romantic fic because Isayama made him so resolutely single lmao, but this is my take on an "what-if", so I hope you will enjoy this scenario!

She slid down on the stool behind the piano. The bar was still empty, as it was only the afternoon. She decided she could play her own tunes for a little while. The ones the bar owner didn’t want her to play when the bar was crowded with customers, because they were supposedly “too melancholic”.

She brushed her fingers tentatively over the keys that were just slightly colder than her own digits. Her fingers hovered above the black and white keys, trembling slightly. Not out lack of confidence, no, she knew this song by heart because it was her own. But it was exactly this that added a layer of difficulty of an entirely different nature.

She could not play it without thinking of them together. Her and Erwin.

Pressing down her fingers finally though, she began her melody.

It had been years since she had last seen him.

She had felt it coming. She had felt him slipping away from her. Not that he had become distant, not at all. Instead, he clung onto her with increasing desperation. He may have tried to hide it from her, but she was no fool. She had noticed the change in him.

 _“Play for me, once more, please,”_ he would say more and more often, in that deep voice of his of which she could never get enough.

_“Really? Again?”_

_“Once more, please,”_ he’d repeat with pleading eyes, taking her hand to press his lips reverently on the back of her hand, lingering before releasing her. He’d smile at her fondly, yet the hopelessness in his eyes did not escape her.

And it wasn’t just this, it was also how he tried to prolong his stays, how their lovemaking intensified to a whole other level, how he kept his eyes on her more than ever as if she could vanish any moment, when in truth, it was him who vanished in the end.

It was only because she knew before even engaging romantically with him that that moment would eventually come, that she didn’t beg him to stay. Not once. She had felt the urge, of course, but she knew from the very beginning her time with him was limited and she just wanted to enjoy it and savour every single moment and not worry about the future. Perhaps she’d been naïve.

But above all, she thought that maybe if she didn’t plead for him to stay, then he wouldn’t give up on them. Yes, it was a bit of a paradox, perhaps, but she thought that if she would stay strong in front of him, that he’d change his mind, that he would stop being so scared to hurt her by staying together and having her wait for him.

Nonetheless she unconsciously prepared for the moment he’d tell her they couldn’t see each other anymore. But just because she knew deep down the day would inevitably come, didn’t mean it hurt any less when that moment finally came.

No, it shattered her. Her heart had never felt so heavy. Was this really the end for them?

She had written letters to him afterwards, but never sent them. She had written that he had been wrong, so incredibly wrong. It wasn’t better for them to be apart at all. Not when they still had such love for one another. It made no sense to her.

And she had written that it was so much worse not being able to kiss him before an expedition, or embrace him afterwards, so much worse to not know how he was doing, to not kiss away that frown of his. To just idly wait until perhaps it would be announced in the newspapers one day that a new commander had been appointed, which would mean Erwin had died.

Her eyes started to burn as she continued playing her song, becoming desperate herself. _It is not easier like this, Erwin_ , she thought to herself. _Not at all_.

Her hands kept moving left and right across the keys, dancing in heartache.

 _“Play for me, once more”_ , he had said.

And so she did, every day, even now with him gone.

 

*******

Erwin let out a deep sigh as soon as he stepped outside the Zacharius’ home. This one had been the most difficult one thus far. Miche had been his closest comrade for years, both in battle and in private. They had been through military training together as cadets, climbed the ranks almost simultaneously later as scouts. Part of him had thought he himself would have died sooner on the battlefield, since Miche was, after all, the strongest after Levi.

But here he was, on a Friday afternoon outside his closest friend’s parental home, having delivered his insignia to his parents. Needless to say they were devastated.

 _“Was it at least a quick death, Commander?_ ” his mother had asked Erwin Smith just moments ago, clutching the emblem in her trembling hands.

And the worst part was Erwin didn’t even know, because he hadn’t been there himself since he was being interrogated by Stohess’ District Mayor.

Steadying his breath, he collected himself before moving to the streets. He desperately needed a drink before going back to the Headquarters. Yes, he’d go to the bar right around the corner. The one that had been Miche’s favourite, the one they had frequented often before he became the Commander. It had been years since he had last been there, but today he’d have a drink there in honor of his fallen friend. He’d reminisce about their times together on the field with whiskey burning down his throat.

As he approached the settlement, he stopped in his tracks just a few feet away from the entrance. At first he wasn’t sure, but when he paused, he swore he could hear a familiar tune.

_Could it be…?_

Of course. Of course she was here.

He should have moved on to another bar as soon as he recognized that melody if he truly needed that drink as much as he thought he did. That’s when he admitted it wasn’t about the damn drink. Why did he lie to himself? Why had he even tried to fool himself?

He needed _her_.

This bar was the place they had first met years ago. This was where she had first caught his eye, behind the piano.

He turned the collar of his coat up, to try and mask his face as much as possible. He couldn’t let her see him.

Instead of entering the bar he just leaned against the wall next to the open door, trying to hear as much of her music as he could from outside.

But he really wanted to _see_ her play. She was so beautiful, so captivating when she did.

He visualized an old memory of her playing at her home, practicing a new song she was composing herself. He had woken up to the new melody, then stood watching as she tried out different ways of playing. The way the sunlight illuminated her bare legs, his button-up shirt hanging loosely around her much smaller frame, how she made little noises of frustration when she couldn’t get the melody right, how she’d try to protect her neck in vain from the assault of kisses he’d eventually press into her when he couldn’t restrain himself any longer.

That had been the last time he had seen her play, just after the fall of Wall Maria.

He had reviewed this mental picture many times after he had left her. It was never even supposed to get that far though. He should've never let them get to that point. He shouldn't have seen her play piano in the mornings with his shirt on, then see her looking back and up at him with that enamoring smile of hers as he’d embrace her from behind. He wasn’t supposed to murmur words of affection into her hair as he held her, nor whisper in her ear to come back to bed, nor to ravage and consume her the way he did.

But she was too beautiful, too precious to let go, and he let himself indulge in his selfish love for her just for a while longer. He always wanted it to last just a while longer.

But after his first expedition as Commander, he really needed to release her. With the frequency of the expeditions increasing after the fall of Wall Maria and his new responsibility to lead the Scouts, he couldn’t have her worry about him even more. It wasn’t right.

And so he told her he wouldn’t come looking for her anymore, that it was time. He had told her just before his second expedition as Commander, so that he couldn’t and wouldn’t drag out their goodbyes. It was quick but far from painless. If he was as heartless as the people said he was for sending soldiers to their deaths, then why did this destroy him?

That was the last time he had seen her.

And now, nearly five years later, he was so close to her again. Listening to her play, yet unable to see her.

This melody, it spoke of hopelessness and hope at the same time. He wanted to stay and listen to the entire piece, he wanted to know the entire story she was telling.

However, he realized he attracted too much attention in his uniform. It wouldn’t take long before someone would throw slurs at him, or for someone to demand from him to justify the numbers of casualties after missions.

 _Just a little while longer_. He had never gotten the chance to hear the song in completion. He needed to know the rest of it.

No, he needed to go now before some commotion would arise. He pushed himself off the wall reluctantly, found himself breathing unevenly. Ignoring the stares and whispers of civilians standing nearby, he marched through the street to find a carriage nearby, once again leaving her behind against his will.

 

*******

 

Back in his office at the Headquarters, Erwin took off his military coat, dropping it onto his armchair – instead of hanging it neatly on the rack as he usually did – and walked over to his desk. Opening the lowest drawer, he took out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, pouring a drink in both of them.

He sat down with a heavy sigh in his chair, lifting his feet to rest them on the surface of his desk.

“Cheers, my friend,” he said in honor of Miche, raising the glass by himself. He drank the first glass in two gulps, shoving the empty glass away. The burn did not satisfy him enough.

“See you in hell,” he uttered with a bitter smile, downing the second glass. That was slightly better, though not quite.

At least it gave him a false sense of warmth as he stared into the dark at nothing in particular. He didn’t even bother to light a candle.

Several moments had passed when he caught his fingers moving in a pattern familiar to him. When he looked down at whatever was visible of his hand in the darkness, he realized what he was doing.

She had tried to teach him a song once in the bar, just a simple melody, when all the other customers had already left.

 _“I’ll teach you,”_ she had said playfully as she stood to turn the piano stool. “ _Come sit behind me, lay your hands on top of mine._ ”

He had cast her a skeptical glance, cocking his brow, but found himself not being able to resist the invitation of her sparkling eyes. Leaving the spot from where he leant on the piano, he moved to sit right behind her where she had patted her hand.

 _“It’ll help you learn how to move your fingers,”_ she had said, and even though he could not see her face from this position, he could hear the smile in her voice.

It was a ridiculous way of teaching, and probably most ineffective and they both knew it, but he played along anyway.

 _“Is this how you teach all your students?”_ he had joked, as he scooted closer behind her, though making sure the distance between them was as appropriate as could be.

_“Just you.”_

The exclusivity of those words quickened his heart-rate rapidly. Just him. He had smiled foolishly to himself like a teenage boy, and he had been glad she couldn’t see him then. Even now, the memory of those words caused a flutter in his stomach.

 _“Relax your fingers, Erwin,”_ she had laughed. _“You’re too tense.”_

He still remembered all of it. Closing his eyes, he imagined he was sitting behind her once again. His fingers moved on their own accord, and he relived the feel of her slender digits beneath his, much smaller than his own. He could even almost smell her now.

 _“Music is freedom, Erwin. Do you feel it?”_ she had asked, a calmness yet excitement in her voice, while their hands continued to move along the keys.

He had barely registered the words, his heart pounding in his chest at how close they were to one another. There had been hugs and kisses on the cheek before – like friends do when they greet each other he had tried to rationalize – but this was something else entirely.

 _“You are my freedom,”_ he had blurted out like a damn fool.

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it was true.

Her hands had stopped playing immediately, and he had dropped his arms from her, apologizing. The last notes she had played rang in the empty bar seemingly forever.

Was this the first moment he had been selfish with her? By voicing his feelings? Even though she had already confessed her affections for him nights before that one, was this the first moment he had let himself be carried away carelessly?

Or was it that next moment, when she turned as much as she could while still seated on the bench, and looked back at him with longing and he did not stop himself from giving in?

Or had it been much sooner than that moment? Had it been that very first night when he had asked her to play another tune for him, for him alone, when all others had already left just so he could stare at her longer?

He opened his eyes again, his fingers already having stopped their movement. He scoffed at himself. He had been so selfish with her for much too long, something he had vowed himself never to be. He felt pathetic for lying so much to himself, to her, for living in an illusion. He knew he didn’t have the right to love her, since it was him who walked away after all.

Yet still he did, and he couldn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I had in mind that she was composing / that Erwin hasn't heard in completion is this one: https://youtu.be/y2JhKYQLodM 
> 
> I know it's from an entirely different anime xD And sorry if that makes it weird -- you don't have to listen, it's just a recommendation I highly suggest :)


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